October 13, 2010 – Chapin City Blues

Here I am, the whore, wanting more while you’re idle to my ways. I walked the streets familiar to me, watching out for your voice echoing from the past, hidden in the corners of my mind. Here is your cage, here is your key. Here is the prisoner, here is the king. Let’s see if I can get it right this time, because my words are tired and heavy.

Kiss me once and kiss me twice, I know I’m mean and I know I’m nice. Sing the songs that made us wrong – cries and cries about it all…

And here I am, still wanting more. Here I am, happy being miserable while remaining nameless in the ambiguity of teenage letters, framing the words that I once thought were brilliant. I painted you to be the monster and I painted myself as the martyr; I’m no artist. There I go, writing the first stupid line that comes to mind.

Immobility has inspired me. I’m happy for your success. I’m happy you’ve learned to live without my presence. And I hope that I can achieve the same. Because I’ve learned the more I attempt to put you back into the corner of my head, which was once your home for so long, the more I miss you.

I must return my attention to the music. It’s filling me with glee. It’s filling and teaching me.

A heart that hurts is a heart that works.

Today was my first day with [redacted] and after constant questioning if I’m nervous, Binx succeeded in making me nervous. Slightly. It was my first day on the floor so I “shadowed” and learn how it’s done. Every opposition to the guy who was braving the waters, I would conjure up the proper rebuttal in my head. After a while, my only response I was making mentally was “Thank you for your time.” Most of the customers were Magic Valley Electric Company (MVEC) customers which means they’re off-limits.

Frustrated with the bust, my co-worker and I decided to go door-to-door. Because San Juan was turning us loose with MVEC customers, we opted for neighboring McAllen. We told our supervisor if he agreed and when he asked me if I was going to ask, I said I would. Oddly enough, my comfort zone includes knocking on people’s doors and asking them, “Who’s your current electric provider?”

I didn’t come out with a sign-up, but I did leave a flier with a potential sign-up (she wanted me to talk to her son) and a few more with people who might opt out of their current service. We’ll see.

I’ll get the hang of the job, but hopefully something hourly comes up for me. I applied for Walgreens, Lowes and Radioshack so far. I’m thinking of applying for Convergys – hopefully a work-at-home gig due to my lack of transportation. That way I can save up for education, a ring, a possible future.

Oh yeah, I went there.