Writing & Writers

“Been Talking to Jesus, He’s Not Talking to Me”

"Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spent the rest of the day putting the pieces together." —Ray Bradbury

There are moments when I question my lack of faith. Logic and reason keep me at bay from ever fully letting go. I’m allowed to dream, but I’m not allowed to live in  fantasy. Truth is, I don’t believe in a higher power outside of logic and reason and science. Without empirical data, I find things tough to chew. Would my life be better if I were religious or held a belief in a higher being? Probably not. But I would be so sedated by my god, I wouldn’t even think twice about things.

Writing

Maybe working in the library hasn’t introduced me to a plethora of people like working at the stadium has. I think it’s better that way. I love the people I’m working with. I know every says that about their job publicly, but these people are fun and fantastic.

The artist in particular. There are points where he comes off a little new age-y. Nothing annoying. One of the things I confessed to him was the death of my writing. It was just in passing. Outside of blogs and little memos, I haven’t written anything for a while. I just stopped. “You shouldn’t just stop,” he suggested the other day.

I told him about the blog. Nothing worthwhile, but I’ll never fully stop writing. It’s in my blood, my system. But lately, even these little posts have lost their depth. I’m just writing thoughts. Granted, I’ve always written thoughts. It’s different now. I’m not even putting much into them. Has it become a chore?

Thinking it all through, working on my Letters to Shaun project, I decided to stop and write a story. Well, the beginning of a story. A revision. An idea that I’ve written for a while but never completed anything outside of a rough draft.

It’s like I’ve become an atheist of myself. It’s easy to stop believing in yourself. And if I can’t believe in myself, how can the creations have faith in me? Damn the answers. Most of all, damn the questions.

Post title taken from “Empire State” by Guster.

Doldrums

“Elevator to the moon”

"Always the first star that I find..."

I’ve been bad. I’ve purposely ignored this blog and Letters to Shaun because of work and studying. I need better time management. What have I been up to? For the last week, I’ve worked at the local library and loving it. Okay, maybe I’m not as outgoing as I should be, but I’m breaking in to the new environment. I’m getting comfortable. The co-workers are great. The place is also great. I mean, I love the library so it only makes sense that I’d love working there.

My plans for tomorrow, during down time, I’m gonna sneak off into the supply room and practice with Judy – who, despite my earlier belief, isn’t a real person – the puppet. If I’m to um… man(?), operate(?) her, I should at least aim for as realistic as possible.

I also want to be a little more creative. I work in the children’s department, so this allows me to flex my creative muscle. Sadly, it’s been dormant for so long that I’m sure it’s atrophied.

That’s beside the point. Anyway, I promise I’ll write more when I have more time – which shall be soon because I’m almost finished with my comp time – gotta make up for the days I’m going to miss soon. I also need to start thinking about collecting some comp time in March and April for obvious reasons.

My goodness. It doesn’t even feel like it was that long ago when I found out about little Shaun. I’m in bliss, people. Pure, unadulterated bliss.

Note: Title and caption are lyrics from Guster, but not from the song above.

Books

Great Things Are Expected

"...upon his heads the name of blasphemy."

I let Jyg talk me into eating WingStop last night. And by talk me into it, I mean the following – “Wing Stop?” “Sure.” Long story short, I stay up until three in the morning fighting heartburn. At eight-forty-five, the library called asking if I could report into work by ten. Sure. I mean, I’ve accomplished much more with less sleep.

Consilience 

After a nine-hour-shift, I roamed the library for Consilience by Edward O. Wilson. I purchased the book off Better World Books the other night, but thought I’d get a head start in reading it. The only draw back is, I don’t get to write in the margins (as if I would anyway) with a copy from the library. However, I’m way too tired to read now.

Man, I remember when I used to run a student organization with only two hours of sleep. What a difference four years makes, hu?

Familial?

A library job, haven’t I been dreaming about this since I was a little kid? What I would give to work in a library. Luckily for me, I’m used to doing busy work. I did volunteer for half a year at an elementary – I failed to mention that in the interview – where all I did was cut things for the teacher. Still, I feel like I’ve joined an exclusive club that I’ve only heard about and – perhaps – glimpsed once or twice growing up. It fuels my want – need? – to pursue my library science degree.

Still, it’s no baseball stadium. Granted that it took me a year to fall in the swing of things – I was family before the third season with the Roadrunners, after all – I seem to have slipped my way into this world with much ease. Sure, I’m quite. But it’s been months since I’ve worked with someone followed by months of working on landing a job, any job. Luckily for me, I landed one I’m in love with.

Oh Willie, but that’s just the new job high. No, seriously. You people don’t know how much I love books.

Anymore Things?

It’s a small step, but I’ve managed to reconnect with an estrange friend on Facebook. Again, I’m not expecting things to go back to the way they were – I’m not naive and this is not television – but I’m sure glad that she’s there.

Books · Doldrums

Crestfallen & a Few of My Other Friends

Caption This Contest

It’s nothing amazing, really. It’s blatantly clear – Ron Paul is the Lady Gaga of politics, stealing things and ideas and making people believe he’s original. Like Gaga did with the gay community, Paul is working the disenfranchised. He’s one “born that way” comment away from wearing a meat suit. And it’s not surprising that the backlash of insulting the lush politician comes in threefold – after all, it was  vegan group at my alma mater that stated that “People don’t like it when they’re told they’re living the wrong way.” It’s almost as if the Paul-bots (as oppose to the GOP term, Obama Zombies)  have put their common sense and decency in abeyance. Because Paul is money. He’s the guy who’ll figure out how to fix this broken economy and country. He’s the solution to our war problem. We’ll ignore his (allegedly) racist remarks. We’ll ignore his total disregard to civil rights.

I’m not saying that Ron Paul’s ideas for fixing our economy are bad – they’re actually pretty enlightening if far-fetched. However, we cannot ignore all the damage he’ll do in the long-term. Still Paul-bots will tut-tut, call themselves better educated and follow the false prophet down the wrong side. It’s okay. That’s America. But for every Paul-bot who shouted “Ron Paul 2012” after Rick Perry released his “Strong” campaign ad, there’s a guy like me in the sidelines that’ll correct them – “Ron Paul hates homosexuals just as much Perry. He’s just better at speaking.”

Decadence

Finished reading my reviewer’s copy of Rachel Kramer Bussel‘s Best Bondage Erotica 2012. Sadly, it took me so damn long to get through it because of my lack of time-management when it comes to studying for the GRE. As stated before, I’m a sex-crazed erotica freak (okay, maybe not in those terms). Found the book quite the read, however, just the sort of thing to read before drifting off into dreamland every night.

Again, Bussel manages to collect the stories that yank at our lusts. Each story is beautifully crafted by some of the best writers in the erotic genre. I’m yearning to see what the 2013 edition will contain – the patience is killing me.

Unemployment

It’s been a week since I’ve heard back from the library. It’s not the best feeling in the world, this anticipation. The last I heard, they were working on a background check. That shouldn’t take took long – I have no driving record. I’m still looking for other places and positions, but that job was just something that I needed and wanted. I can’t think of a better candidate for the job, then again, I think really highly of myself.

Studying

The last few weeks has been extensive studying the GRE manual. GRE, by the way, stands for Graduate Record Examinations. It’s essential if I’m to continue with my education – I mentioned I’m seeking my Masters in Library Science, right? Algebra was/is killing me, but what else is new? Geometry is fairly easy, most of what I learned in the past is coming to me gradually. As for the verbal, well, I need to start using the terms in my writing if I’m ever going to remember their definitions.

Shaun

The kid is still growing and moving around in Jyg’s tummy. I can’t wait to meet him come April. The letters project is coming along okay, but not as well as I expected – best laid plans, am I right? I should start writing more when my mind clears up a bit. With all the things going around me – the election, debates, studying, worrying, etc. – my words fail me. Here’s looking to better days!

Doldrums

Why I Don’t Like Ron Paul

Far from the best man for this government

A friend of mine had the gall to say I was “nit-picking” reasons for disliking hating downright loathing Ron Paul. His reasons for liking him? He wants to end wars and end US dependency on other countries. I’m sure legalizing marijuana is somewhere in the mix, but one never uses that if one wants to be taken seriously – though, it is a serious matter, mind you.

Ron Paul, however, is a politician. And a bad one. Not only would he rather see you die if you don’t have health insurance, but he’ll say one thing – like he supports homosexuals – when he really believes something else – like not really, but sorta kinda supports homosexuals in the sense that they are allowed to be homosexuals, but not openly, like in the sense of getting married. He also supported “don’t ask, don’t tell,” which – if you watched Rick Perry’s “Strong” campaign ad – you’d know he’s part of a larger hate group known as the GOP – Jon Huntsman, excluded.

Abortion is always a hot button issue for me, as well. Ron Paul doesn’t want to do away with Roe v. Wade, per se, he believes states should make the decision whether to ban abortion. If we lived in a perfectly logical world, this would make sense. However, we don’t. We live in evangelical Christian America and women’s rights would be Snoop Dogg song in no time. This, in turn, also means he’s against embryonic stem cell research, which could benefit so many people’s lives – but as a Libertarian, the lives of others are no matter to him.

I’ll overlook his support for abstinence only education because he is a conservative and hating him for that is silly – besides, I’m a firm believer that if you want your kids raised by the education system, it’s your own fault when MTV is knocking on your door with a contract.

My friend is right, by the way, Ron Paul does want to end war. He also wants to withdraw the US from the UN and disband NATO. He has it in his head that the United States can protect herself without the help of other countries. Pretty much implying that we should stay out of other countries issues and war. Of course, that really helped a lot during both War Worlds, right? I mean, did everyone forget about The Zimmerman Telegraph and Pearl Harbor? It’s clear that Ron Paul and his supporters skipped American History during those important incidents that caused us to enter war. And I’m not saying that war is essential – the world can surely do without – but I’m not delusional enough to believe that by ignoring something, it’ll go away. If anything, it’ll only draw things to us without us knowing it.

And there is a laundry list of things that make Ron Paul the one of the worse people for the job as President of the United States of America. There’s the fact that he wants to end ENDA, that he voted against the Amber Alert, wants to drill drill drill in Alaska, believes that the United States is a Christian nation – even believes there is a war against Christmas (but conveniently ignores the war against Halloween), that he opposes the Civil Rights Act of 1964, he’s against the popular vote – probably because he never received it, wants to revive the Sodomy Laws, and he wants to build a wall along the US/Mexico border.

Oh, but I’m nit-picking. How silly of me. None of these things essentially matter because Ron Paul promises to end war and end our dependency on foreign oil – though that will never really happen, because, let’s face it, the oil companies will never allow it (it’s bad for business, you know). Let’s face it, the only reason people like him so much is the pot issue. Then again, it’s not like a politician ever lied to his supporters, right?

Doldrums

Sometimes When You Push, I Pull Back

"And when I feel it, you're wearing thin..."

It wasn’t a lie when I said it meant a lot coming from you. If anyone should be here sharing these moments with me, it would have to be you. Wasn’t that the plan, anyway?

Sometimes, when I’m alone with my thoughts, I think about where we’d be now in our friendship. I wonder if there was any possibility to regain what we lost. And I know the answer is no. Because there has been too much of a gap in whatever we had and it’s gone. We can piece it together, of course, but it wouldn’t be the same product.

Still, it was nice for you to do something I’ve been too cowardly to do myself.

Thank you.