Writing & Writers

A Conversation with God

"I love all my children, except Rick Santorum. He's not really mine." –God

The man who sits across from me isn’t what I expected. The stories depict him as towering; the man before me cannot be any taller than five-foot-one. He smiles. “I know what you’re thinking,” he says. His voice isn’t what I expected, either. It’s not booming. Not resonating through my ears. Instead, it’s gentle. Think Moby instead of James Earl Jones. “Not all those stories are true,” he says. “Some of them got lost in translation.”

He pauses a moment, considering what he said. “Actually, they should throw the whole book out.”

None of this is making sense to me, and he can see my confusion. So much so, it makes him laugh. That’s life, or so he says. You expect a towering, white-bearded giant older than time itself, and instead you get an androgynous, five-foot-one deity of undermined age.

Question of Existence

God orders a hot chocolate and a thin slice of cheesecake. His attempt to cut back on the strong stuff. “You wouldn’t believe the headaches I’m getting,” he chuckles. “Look out below, right? Sorry about that, Japan.”

There’s a question I planned on saving for last which is pointless to an omniscience being.

“No. I don’t really exist. You’re just here talking to yourself. Figure out if I’m being sarcastic,” he snorts.

“People are so bent out of shape on whether I exist, or not. Sometimes, I think it’s best if I never made myself known, you know? Where would man kind be if I never butted in?” He shakes his head. “It’s funny,” he says without laughing. “There are those in my flock that think they’re leading the way. I think my kingdom – whatever that means – would do better without them.”

“Does that mean…?”

He cuts me off, “Yeah. Jerry Falwell? Nope. Not there.”

“I hate to admit it, but I will,” he smirks. “The Atheists have the right idea. Pretend I’m not here. Stop living up to my standards. You can’t be godly. Just be human.”

Where Credit is Due

When his order arrives, he gently blows into his cup before drinking. “Always burn my tongue on the first sip,” he says. “Never fails. Satan made these lids, by the way.”

“Is Satan everything his reputation states?”

“Satan? Nah, he’s a pussy cat. He gets a bad rap, but that’s the Christians for you. They needed a bad guy and they made him into one. They read the first book and said, ‘Aha! That snake is Satan!’ And it wasn’t anything like that. Satan and the serpent are two different entities. The Serpent was actually my first project, but that failed. They got out of control so I sent an asteroid to smash the earth. How he survived, I don’t know.”

He takes a bite of his cheesecake, ” This blasphemous. It tastes awful.”

“They’ll probably blame it on Satan,” I said.

“True. But that’s the problem with people. You all don’t give yourselves enough credit. It’s always Satan or me that made you do stuff. But I’m like whatever. Every time I hear some musician, actor, or whatever say, ‘And I’d like to thank God for this,’ I just shrug and think, ‘It’s all you, Halle. You worked hard to get where you are. I didn’t do shit. I just sat here with Satan playing Xbox all day.'”

He continues after another sip, “Look, here’s the role I play in the world. I created it and everything in it. That’s it. That was my job. Everything else was up to you.”

Homosexuality & Politics

“I knew we’d wind up here. And not just because I can see every move you’re going to make and its alternative,” he laughs. “It’s just every one wants to ask God what team he cheers for. Let’s get it straight, the Democrats have good intentions and the Republicans think they have good intentions. In the end, however, it’s the same shit stick. One end is covered in it, the other just smells of it.”

“My best advice when deciding on a candidate is, never trust a man who says I speak to him. The only people I talk to on a regular basis are Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway. And I only talk to them because they keep following me around.”

“I guess the one thing that really bugs me about the whole using me in their speeches is homosexuality. Look, when I told them men cannot lie with other men as they do with women, what I meant was it’s physically impossible. Men don’t have vaginas, so there’s no physical way to have sex with them in the same standards as women. It wasn’t meant as some cheap shot to say I don’t agree with homosexuality. I just wanted them to figure shit out on their own. Like, ‘You can’t have vaginal sex with men, because it’s impossible. So find some other way to have sex with them.’ I’m so glad they figured out a way around that handicap.”

“In all seriousness, though, I have nothing against homosexuality. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. Not to mention, I love all my children – gay, straight, transgender and so on.”

How about Rick Santorum?

“Well, all my children except Rick Santorum. He’s not really mine, to be honest. And that man knows nothing of my work. I see him every day standing before a crowd of idiots, talking as if he knows my damn agenda by heart. Look, you better quit talking shit in my name, Rick.”

He takes a sip of his drink and stares bemusedly at the cheesecake before shaking his head, “People like Rick like to pretend I intended America to be some holy land. If the USA was my idea of the promised land, I broke that promise. I’m sorry.”

Sorting out the mess

“I know, it confuses me to. I had nothing to do with the second book. But the question keeps arises every time I take a gander at it, ‘How can I be my own Father and my own Son? But yeah, don’t believe everything you read in that damn book.”

God finishes up his hot chocolate and, after a moment’s thought, eats the rest of the cheesecake.

“Look, I know you’re confused about it all. You spent your whole life trying to figure me out. Everyone does it, and those who think they got it down are far from the truth. I didn’t create you all to bash and hate one another. I did it so you can prosper. There is no meaning to life. No subtext to why you’re here. You just are. And you’re not here for very long, so live it up while you can. And I guess that’s all I really wanted to say.”


“Do you ever think about guys?”

Moral Disorder

A brief note on the title and photo caption: Usually, I borrow a lyric or two from different songs for both. In this post, I decided to try a little bibliomancy. So I picked up my copy of Brad Gooch‘s Scary Kisses and opened the book to a random page and the first thing that popped out was my title. I repeated the process and found the caption. There was no foul play on my part. It just worked so well.

I’m a firm believer in anti-censorship. So I get a little peeved when I hear parents limiting what their children read. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for age-appropriate material – I’m not about to pass a copy of the Kama Sutra to anyone under eighteen, but I’m also not going to force my beliefs on to them.

Every parent will state that it’s their moral duty to guide their children into becoming standard, grade-A, law-abiding, Christian folk, but I think our moral duty to educate our children above all else.

Faith doesn’t work for me because I need empirical data. Shaun might not have the same mindset as I do, and that’s awesome for him. But rather than just limiting him to my agnostic/atheistic dogma, I do plan to educate him on as many religions and philosophies as possible. Not to mention, helping him have an open mind.

What caused this?

“Mom, is this book about god?”


A crestfallen boy puts the book back on the shelf.

And later

(A different family, obviously.)

“He loves reading books. I wish he would read the bible that way.”


Family A holds back material, while Family B – while still religious – doesn’t.

Doldrums · Writing & Writers

…and Hell followed with him

"There's no...nothing left for me when all beauty's destroyed."

“I don’t think a man with the idea of replacing the government with an archaic form  is right for the country,” I said. Of course the man we were talking about Ron Paul, who must’ve escaped from the loony bin and somehow allowed to run in politics.

I’ve no idea how we fell into politics. From Jyg’s baby shower to my weakness of peanut butter cups to a foul-mouthed priest to politics. Somewhere there, logic can come into play.

We talked Santorum. We talked Romney. We talked Obama. And Palin. And Clinton – both of them. Of Bush and Cheney and Rove and Qur’an burnings. North Korea. Iran. Iraq. WMDs. The conversation lasted way into my leaving and remaining. It was a fun day, actually.

And what worries her, worries me all the same. Too many feeble-minded people ignoring the bigger picture, are salivating about Ron Paul and what he can supposedly do. His ideas are good, but for a world that no longer exists. That’s the gist of it. Oh well, carrying on.

Creating a virus

I started writing last night what I think will be my first draft of the “Cordyceps” story I mentioned in an earlier post. Might have been my intention, or maybe it was just a fluke as I turned the corner. Who knows. Not I, said the writer.

I feel like I should be researching things that I know little or nothing about. I have no idea how to turn a fungus into a virus, or if that’s even possible. I don’t know what symptoms I should use, or any ghastly, fatal ones that should be incorporated into this mess. Medical Journals? Maybe? Winging it? Possibly. Hoping that the average reader will buy into my fiction? Most definitely.


Had a dream about a vampire. I normally don’t dream about vampires. In fact, outside of True Blood, I don’t care much for them. I’ve been thinking a lot about them, lately. Something might come of it, actually. A short story? Possibly.



So Much Funny and Other Stories

"And every one is so kind with the lies they tell themselves, because every one is so blind to the truth that they're ugly inside." All Beauty Destroyed by Aesthetic Perfection

I’ll never understand my obsession with keeping this blog’s tone in the gloomy realm. Surely, the last three months have been anything but glee. I got a baby on the way, a decent job with great co-workers in a place I love to death. Yet, even with the most joyous or humorous posts, I tend to aim towards something dark and gloomy. I guess it weeds out the people. If you don’t pay close attention, you’re going to miss a story or two.

So Much Funny

The last three jobs I’ve held have one thing in common: they all come with their catch phrases. At the baseball stadium, we had “Let’s play some baseball.” With Green Mountain Energy, the phrase “RGV Go-Getter” was tossed around as a joke, which, if you think about the real story behind the phrase, it was. I wondered what the library had in store for me other than “Children’s this is [insert name here].” Dreary as it seemed, we didn’t have one. Well, more than one – the big bad wolf gets thrown around, but only by a couple of the people there. Every now and then, our fearless leader busts into a song or voice.

It wasn’t until last Wednesday that “so much funny” came into our lives. And before you go into judging, it wasn’t created by one of our patrons, but by a co-worker. Backstage before the puppet show, I can’t for the life of me remember what the subject was but the consequence was the phrase. For a split instant, the person who spat it out really thought that was how “so much fun” – or was it, “so funny” – was said. It doesn’t matter, so much funny is the catch phrase of the year, even though it’ll be forgotten within the month because the hijinks at the library are never ending.

So You’re Having Fun?

I never thought I’d fine another job this fun outside of the ballpark. And while I still haven’t made it my new home – which I stilll see the ballpark as my second home – it’s coming close. I’m still the silent guy who only talks when spoken to, or whenever he has something to say. Which is rarely ever because my creativity only lies within writing, not crafts. I’m hoping to change that by researching things online.

However, there are still times when I feel like I’m odd-man-out because, even though I partake in the puppet shows, I haven’t been asked to lend my voice to a character – despite my mentioning a theatre past. Summer’s drawing close so the last puppet shows are dawning. I’ll be bummed again – emo self – if I’m looked over again and someone from another department is asked before I am.

What else?

I remember hearing stories about the behind the scenes with the 90s sitcom, Full House. How the adults were quite lewd for working on a family show. I guess it’s that way with anyone who works with children. I’ve known some fouled mouth, perverted teachers in my day. Of course the library pales in comparison. We’re mostly just oversized children ourselves. Serious when need be, but we’ll never ignore a pun or wordplay.

It’s just fun there.

One More, for the Road.

So Jyg and I – mostly me – have been thinking of investing/stocks/day trading/etc. It’s something that should be a requirement in college. Of course, I haven’t a clue how to go about it. Any reading/researching recommendations are welcomed if you know a thing or two.