Undesired, I feel that I am left free falling. Falling. Falling. Crashing. Tumbling. Thrashing against the rocks, tossed by the waves. Gnarled upon the stones. The salt washes away my sin.
I started thinking more like Donovan – the character, not the friend. Meanwhile, I write the skeletons for “Squares” even though I’m unsure where that project is going or whether JD is still up for it. I stopped texting him and he hasn’t been around much online. Apparently, he’s gone soul searching. I’d rather hear it from the horses mouth – I’ve been stung by the scorpion one too many times.
I’m on Kathryn’s storyline, still. I’m working my way around a wall about what drives her to her all-so-predictable suicide attempt to her letting Miguel go. I give myself some pats on the back with Hope’s storyline, being that I’ve managed to prove that even the most pious can be corrupted by one’s own need to be free.
Discoveries of late have left me a little crestfallen; though, I hate myself for letting something as infantile as that for bringing down my high spirits. I’m still a good friend; I know it. Even though I don’t think some people think that, I still see myself as a caring person – damn the events of the past.
It’s stupid. It’s silly. I’m twenty-seven-years-old – I shouldn’t be all butt-hurt over it. But I am human, aren’t I? Admitted, a rather over-emotional one.
There are things I want to regret. Like not being more adventurous when I was a teenager. Or like losing my virginity on the floor of Carmike theater while my – at the time – best friend watched on. I say want to regret because I don’t regret those things. In fact, I really don’t pay much attention to shit like that because it’s not important to me. Just another experience in this whole life ordeal.
I have this deepening feeling that I’ve dug my grave and now I must lie in it. I think a lot of it has to do with writing “Squares” – I’ve been writing the “treatments” for each chapter before I start the dialogue/comic script; my only hope is that JD’s still game with this – I haven’t spoken to him in a while.
Speaking of “Squares,” I’ve been rethinking how the set up should be. While this is a reality base comic and not a typical comic book – you know, superheroes and such – I do want to focus on experimental elements. I want the layout to be something both the artist (JD, if he’s still up for it) and I can have some fun with. Bridge we’ll cross when the time comes.
I’ve listened to a lot of dance music lately – for some weird reason, it’s the only music I can write to, no matter the topic. Like any writing session, however, I’m making an “inspirational” playlist of music that would go great in the “Squares” world. That’s a task in of itself.
While I’m more of a fan of the Bubble Sci fi Remix, this song has been on a constant loop in my head. From some odd reason, every time I listen to this song, I always come back to a recycled character I penned a few years back. He didn’t have a name then, but now I’m thinking of calling him Donovan – not after a friend of mine, mind you. I thought him up on day and put him in the corner because he wasn’t behaving. Like most of my characters, he ran rampant. Sadly, however, I never released him from the clutches of the corner.
These days, the character has picked up a trait his original form didn’t have – killing people. I just don’t know how to go about it, which is why I never used him just developed his personality.
Before I go, one last thing. Last Saturday, I was out with Jyg, Izzy, Esmer and Jerry. We were wandering about when they decided to go to Rue 21. I didn’t want to go there, so I went to other stores. Stopping by Marshalls first and then heading over to Hobby Lobby to see what they had in crafts wood. I’ve deduced that it would probably be cheaper if I bought wood at Lowes.
When Jyg and Izzy came to join me, they didn’t bring Jerry and Esmer. I texted the latter where we were and they came to meet us. Because I knew they’d probably have a hard time finding us, I went to look for them. Before doing so, I saw a girl wearing these bulky glasses. I thought nothing of them, but I did do a double take. Something was off. When I met up with Jerry and Esmer, I saw the girl again. This time I knew I wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t wearing glasses, she was wearing just frames.
“Damn hipster,” Jerry said after I mentioned how she wasn’t wearing glasses – he noticed it, too.
I know I did a lot of stupid things when I was a teenager that I should regret, but Jesus H. Christ – being visually impaired wasn’t an in thing.
I’ll never be the world’s greatest writer, but I’m allowed this task. I’ve been busy taking my notes – which I finished the bios and character descriptions on Saturday – and most of my attention is being used to see this through. I’m going to start working on plot and subplots this week. Hopefully, however, Jyg and I (and possibly Izzy) are going to take a stroll down the nature path tomorrow. It’s no Santa Anna, but at least it’s closer.
Jyg and I finally watched the series finale (I always feel weird saying series when I mean season) of Skins and started watching Moral Orel on Saturday, as well. Jyg’s never seen the latter so I’m introducing her to the 12-minute TV show from Adult Swim.
Most of the day, however, was spent outside where she read Freud and I worked on “Squares.” I explained what I was planning to do with each character and how the story will flow to the final chapter. I also explained that I was concluding it with an open ending just in case I want to use them again.
Hopefully, I can meet up with JD this coming week to discuss some things. I promised him a detailed description, but decided against that. I’m going to give him the bios plus the short list descriptions, giving him some air to breathe. We’ll have to come to an agreement in the end how each character should look, anyway. It’s something we should be comfortable with.
I’ve spent my days taking snapshots of the yard for no reason in particular. Actually, taking them calms me down. My level of anxiety has been really high and now that I’m taking medicine that make me drowsy – I have a cold, nothing fatal – it’s been hard to control my emotions mostly because I’m trying to control not falling asleep.
The other night I started writing down my notes on the “Squares” project that’ll I work with JD. He’s had surgery the other day, so this gives me enough time to come up with character bios and backgrounds. Nothing too complex, just enough notes to understand why they are the way they are. I hope to have enough detail about them so I can pass it along to JD next week and we can get started on the story and plots of each “chapter.”
Originally looking at twelve chapters, I’ve decided to cut three out and only hold nine. It’s going to be rather difficult telling a story in only nine chapters, but if I make the subplot for each around 40 pages, then I should have no problem. Problem is, I’ve never written a script for a graphic novel, so I’m on edge. It should be a fun venture, though.
I’m scrapping the names for better ones – though the prototype stage that I’m one will keep on the originals. If this flies straight, I just might to pick up the other failed project – “Sex, With Strangers” – again and fiddle with that. I think it would make an interesting story to tell. But patience, I’ll think about that later. After we’re finished with “Squares.”
I woke up early this morning, having fallen into a drug induced sleep. I quickly decided to go back to bed. About 9:30AM I woke up again after having a horrible dream.
I was apparently having a fight with Jyg and I couldn’t make sense of why. I was on edge, wishing to talk to her but she wasn’t calling or accepting my calls. That’s when my ex came to my house after having a fight with her significant other. I made all attempts to repel her from my room, but she stayed around, beginning to act like we were in a relationship again. My stomach started to knot. I left my room to talk to someone and upon returning, found her lying naked on my bed – beneath the sheets, mind you. I only gathered she was naked from the context clues – her clothes were on the floor.
After I told her she shouldn’t be doing this, she got a phone call from her significant other and they reconciled. She left – clothed, of course. And I sat on the bed and stared at the floor. I texted Jyg later, telling her I missed her. That’s pretty much when I woke up.
Like I said in my Tweet – Horrible bad dream is horrible.
In retrospect, I’m beginning to think my whole life has been a series on consequences of my allowing others to define me. I admit the fault is my own. If I were as strong as I have hoped I would be, I would never have allowed all the grief thrown my way.
I started taking notes on a long forgotten project I promised myself I would work on. I’m using these notes to transform them into a graphic novel script. I hope that JD doesn’t mind the sudden shift in genre. I texted him on Friday during the birthday celebration to ask if he’d still be interested. Apparently the guy’s going in for surgery. Pesky gall bladders. Seems like everyone has theirs failing them.
Once he’s back on his feet, I hope to at least have some character stats to help him create what they should look like. What sort of clothes they wear, etc. I also want to contact Donovan about something on the side, but for now I think JD is the best person to have for this project. And I’m not just saying that, I truly mean it. Donovan’s a great artist, but he deserves something that is more in tuned to his craft – if you’re reading this, I don’t know how you’re taking all of it, but trust me, it’s a compliment.
I think I’ll tell “Squares” in twelve chapters, each focusing on a single central character so that the plot of the entire book doesn’t get fucked. To be honest, I was going to call the project “The Damaged Fuckers,” but it really has nothing to do with the nature of the project. Because “Squares” was the name of the original project, I thought I should at least keep it for this part. I’ll think of a title later. Maybe, hopefully, come up with one while working with JD.
With Spring Break over and Jyg back at work, I’m hoping to get more things done with our project. I need to keep active. If I start resting, chances are I’ll just allow myself to die.
Started taking notes about my imaginary world as suggested by Alan Moore. I’m not sure if these notes will lead to anything, or if they’ll lead to a series of stories, a larger project or a semi-autobiographical graphic novel. If it’s the latter, I’m not sure who’ll help me with the art as I suck at drawing. I’m the sort of asshole who can’t even draw a straight line and that’s with a ruler.
JD showed interest once, as did Donovan. Both of them bring two different style of art with them. Because it isn’t an adventure story but a real life story, I’m debating which of the two would feel more comfortable within its realms. Of course, that depends on whether I’ll turn them into a script for visual purposes.
Reliving certain parts of my life is feeding the depression that I already feel crawling through me like a cancer. It burns behind my eyes, squeezes my heart. But like Henry Miller said, the best way to get over someone is turn them into literature.
See this not as a funeral for a loved one. See this as a funeral for myself.