“Maybe I Am A Clown”

Photo by Tim Gouw from Pexels

I’m thinking of quitting my job. And that scares me.

It scares me, because I have nothing planned out for the aftermath. There isn’t a plan b. For the last decade, my world has revolved around the library. It has become my identity.

I was Guillermo, the library aide. Guillermo, the library assistant. Guillermo, the cataloger. Guillermo, the second in command of the children’s department. Guillermo, the interim children’s supervisor. Guillermo, the senior library assistant.

Guillermo, the library/cultural arts assistant II.

Who am I if I am none of these things?

Continue reading ““Maybe I Am A Clown””

Appt for Wednesday

Well called the doctor guy and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday. Most of yesterday, I was doing well until the dreaded trip to the Dollar Tree where I started tensing up again. Another sign that leads me to believe that it’s just a panic attack. Still, I don’t like taking chances. The cost of the visit will be $230 that I do not have – woe is me.

I haven’t the faintest idea how I’m gonna get there, considering that the appointment is in the morning. I’ve been told that the tests they’re going to run on me includes the EKG, which I’m not looking forward to because I’m extremely ticklish – I kid you not; the last time they put me on one of these, the nurse chuckled every time I twitched.

I suppose we’ll see what happens then. I’ll keep in touch.


Gonna have to see a doctor

I’m no longer certain they’re panic attacks. By the descriptions I’ve read, they’re aren’t heart attacks, either. There’s a laundry list of things they could be, but which of them is what I have, I cannot be certain. The thing is, do I go to the doctors and spend money I don’t have and find out they’re nothing to worry about, or spend my time in oblivion while my body attacks me.

There’s a heaviness in my chest that comes and passes, lingers and then leaves. The muscles in my left arm tense up. My stomach boils. I’m amazed that I survived today’s book hunt.

I suppose we’ll find out what it is come Monday. I hate waiting so long, but without insurance, there’s no way I’m going to the hospital only to be told I have an anxiety problem. They’ll prescribe me pills that I won’t take. However, if I get an attack tomorrow and it’s horribly bad, then I’m pretty much screwed into dishing out even more money I don’t have.

Times like this, I wish I were rich.


…and then there were these slight attacks

Let’s wind the clocks back two years when I started getting this pain in  my upper left arm. They hurt so bad that they lead me to fear for my life. The doctor tells me they’re nothing to worry about. I go home. I get off the meds. I stretch. Slowly they start to go away.

Late last week, the same uneasy feeling comes back in. True, I haven’t been getting as much exercise as I was before. True, I also haven’t been taken the best care of myself. True, the sleepless nights and the increase in stress and anxiety are probably killing my body.

I’m calling the new pains and fear clutching my chest my mini panic attacks. I’m not really sure what to make of them. People are telling me that I’m just worrying for nothing, but can one ever be so sure?

Half of me wants to head out for the doctors and see him. I know it’ll be a waste of money to some if I come out with just the same old panic attacks and lack of exercise like two years ago. I really don’t know what to do.