Doldrums

Update

Where’s the picture, you ask? I’m on my new computer and therefore none of my “stock” photos are on it, yet. I could use my Tumblr likes as I’m wont to do, but I’m thinking that’ll take too much. Besides, there’s a lot to talk about. Well, not really, but humor me.

After a several year hiatus, I picked up my “Nietzsche stories” and started writing new ones. Two, actually. They haven’t passed my test yet, but the people who read them – I forced my co-workers to read them – have commented on what works and what doesn’t. Dick Masters’s name doesn’t work – it raised eyebrows, but that’s because they don’t know the back story to the character – which I only hinted to in the second story, meant as the last story. I realized that this whole time I was attempting to write a linear tale, which it can be viewed as such, but each of them is to act as a stand alone at the same time. So I want to start in the middle and work my way out, I guess.

Thanksgiving was good, even though there was a FOTY incident that I will probably not discuss anytime soon. I tried not to let anything ruin my son’s first Thanksgiving, so we marched on. Shaun loved the food – I’m happy that he could eat the processed version of our turkey and he loved the stuffing, mashed potatoes, and sweet potatoes. He knocked out when the meal started to affect him like it does to all of us. We watched Brave as our Thanksgiving film, and it turned out better than I thought because I didn’t know what the movie was about.

After everything, I started to feel a little nauseous, so I settled down to watch Friends with Benefits, which I liked better than No Strings Attached. I would’ve ended my night by watching Anonymous, but by the time Friends with Benefits ended, I was beyond fried.

Tomorrow I wake up early to go into work, which isn’t my ideal way to spend a four-day weekend, but I’m getting paid extra so I’ll suck it up. We’re decorating the department for X-mas and we’re probably gonna fuck around for a bit. Free food is also promised so I was roped in. Besides, I can use the extra money in my X-mas present jar.

What else? Oh yeah! My new computer! It’s a HP Envy Notebook with Windows 8 and Beats Audio. So yeah. Excitement can begin.

Doldrums

Weren’t We Something Though?

 

a
A Walk to the Park

 

In a patriarchal society, my grandmother was the matriarch of the family. The glue that held us together, if you will. Last Saturday, Jyg, Esmer and I had our annual Thanksgiving dinner sans Jerry – who was in San Antonio. It’s not so much a tradition that’s been going on for a while – well, at least not with them – but it’s something I’m hoping to conintue for years to come. Anyway, we got to discussing family rituals of Thanksgiving. Jyg commented on how her family doesn’t have dinners every year and Esmer went on to say that since everyone was grown up, it was hard to get everyone together. I laughed, remembering my grandmother’s hold on her family. Because that’s what we were – her family.

Granted, we might not have subscribed to the same dogma, philosophy or whatever – half the time we probably didn’t even like each other with sibling rivalries or whatever. There wasn’t anything more important than Thanksgiving, nothing that kept you away. And if you questioned it, she’d give you the worse tongue lashing you can imagine. You didn’t go against abuela, didn’t question her. You did what you were expected to do and showed up on time. Otherwise there’d be hell to pay. Things weren’t the same when she passed away. We all drifted in our directions, allowed our rivalries or whatever to get in the way. We became too busy to do things. We were strangers at the table, not a family.

My mother isn’t as headstrong as home was – despite the stubbornness that she inherited – which I inherited, as well. Whether my apathy about the world or my misanthropic view point on the world – my family – rubbed off on her, she doesn’t like to meddle in the affairs of others. Chismes, my grandmother would call it; the family had no place for gossip.

When I decided to revive the Thanksgiving tradition, I didn’t know what to expect. For a while, we had all three brothers gathering at Mom’s house but we dwindled. Jay started working on Thanksgiving, Melissa would shuttle the kids to her mothers. Martin and his family would still come around, until it was decided that we would split the holidays – Martin had Thanksgiving, I had X-mas and Jay had New Year’s. Eventually, Jay got the latter two holidays and I would only be responsible for the main course for X-mas. Due to some misinformation this year, I was back behind the stove preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Once again, chismes befell the family.

It’s not my place to butt in my thoughts on the affairs of others. My grandmother most certainly would, however. She’s give her grandmotherly advice, remind you of the vows you took before (G)od, etc. If it didn’t work out, then it didn’t work out. It was just the way it was, the way it was written. I never had the impression that she liked Javier much so whether she talked to my mother about divorce back in the day is beyond me. If anything, she was the gravity of my mother’s decision. Again, there is no evidence to conclude this.

So despite the turn of events this year, I can only think of one thing. Yesterday was a good day. Jyg, Izzy and I took my nephew Jaycob to the park. In his hand, Jaycob dragged a cat toy tied to a shoelace behind him. It belonged to Dexter, whom Jaycob loved – though, the feeling wasn’t mutual.

“In memory of Dexter,” Jyg said. Izzy made a comment to which Jyg replied, “I think it’s sweet to do something in memory of someone.”

Yeah, so do I.

Doldrums · Writing & Writers

Drawing a blank

 

Dunno

 

It’s almost Thanksgiving, though WordPress suggests otherwise. I’ve compiled my list of what I hoping to/planning on/am considering reading. If you’re interested in finding out which religious texts I’ve planned to read, you can check out the list here. While you’re there, you can also read how I’ve come to terms my wanting an Amazon Kindle.

I took over Word Sex – a blog over at Tumblr – again. I created it some time last year but pretty much petered out with keeping up with the posts. Handed it over to someone who then handed it over back to me and now I’ve revamped it. It’s still not interesting, but at least it’s getting me doing research, even if that research isn’t being put to good use. For the most part, the blog is work safe. I’m doing my best to stray away from NSFW material, though some of the link backs might be a little risqué. The blog’s focus is – if you couldn’t tell – sex. Not pornography – though the subject will/does come up if it’s in the news, or is a part of a scientific/psychological/sociological etc. study. It’s also a home of erotic literature, and I’m hoping that the community – those who follow the blog – will contribute their own stories/fantasies.

Before departing, I’m going to go ahead and post the William S. Burroughs classic. It’s a treat for Thanksgiving:

Writing & Writers

Even when you were, you weren’t

“That’s the price you pay,” she told me. Somewhere down the road, a man hobbled down, his leg bent and broke with time. White locks blowing with the warm desert air. She threw the car in gear and pressed hard on the gas – an automatic vibrator of fury in overdrive. She nodded toward me, smirked. “You wanna see something worth watching for a change?”

The scene was cacti and tumbleweed – something out of a movie or a dull dreamer’s book. Nothing remotely interesting out there. She aimed the car at the old man. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just watch,” she said pushing down the pedal, zipping the car toward the unsuspecting victim. At the last moment, she blared the horn and pulled over to the side. The stunned man hobbled toward us, shuddering.

“Are you outta your mind?” he shouted. “You nearly nicked me.”

“Oh, come off it, Walter,” she said. “You weren’t in any trouble.”

The old man – Walter – jumped in the backseat. “Where we headed?”

“The city,” she said. “Nowhere in particular. And what are you doing out here in the desert?”

“Just looking for the ones who are in charge,” he said. “I have an idea on how to make this place ideal.”

“You’ll never find them,” she said. “They say they don’t exist anymore.”

“Sorta like god then, hu?” Walter chuckled. “Even here they fuck you up with their religion and philosophy.”

“There’s only one philosophy here,” she said. “You know that.”

We were miles from Boroughs now. I didn’t even bother looking at the mirror in hopes to see the looming buildings in the horizon. There wasn’t any point to it. I left it behind, or it pushed me out. “You’d think they’d solve the hunger problem,” I said. “You know, not make us hungry.”

“Even here we must dine,” said Walter. “You know what I miss though? Roasted leg of lamb. We had one every Thanksgiving instead of turkey.”

“Hell,” she said. “I miss Brussels sprouts.”

Further down the road, we past two drifters having sex under the desert sun. We spent our days this way. Driving and traveling aimlessly. Hitting one town after another. They way across the oceans lie other countries much like the ones we left behind. “Maybe one day,” she said. “We’ll see if it’s true.”

 

Doldrums

The Importance of Family

via: WeHeartIt

I’m sure we’ve all been there at least once in our lives. Your sitting with your family and the sudden realization that you’re actually related to these people seeps in. You hope that you are adopted because it’s the only logical explanation why you’re so odd compared to the rest of them – or rather, you’re not odd enough. I’ll admit, there are times that I hoped I was adopted. But the evidence of my biological attachment to these people was damning. I looked like my older brother when he was a kid; I resembled my mother; I have my father’s chubby cheeks, inability to grow actual facial hair and his temper. The creator or mother nature has one hell of a sense of humor when it comes to choosing who shares our DNA.

And for those who know me, I’m not big on family. But once upon a time, I was. Not that I’m saying all I ever wanted to do was spend time with my family – no, nothing like that. It was just at one point I looked forward to the holidays, Thanksgiving especially.

Thanksgiving meant cooking at grandmothers, starting at the crack of dawn. My uncle Danny and his family coming down from Midland to spend it with us. And me actually tolerating my family – for a day’s worth of feeling related to these strangers. That was tradition, anyway, up until 1997 when my grandmother passed away in October. That shattered my idea of what the holiday should be.

Uncle Danny stopped by a two more times after her death before announcing he wasn’t going to spend Thanksgiving with us anymore. What followed was what I called the dark years. I spent Thanksgiving with an ex-girlfriend (who wasn’t an ex at the time, obviously) but I was the stranger again. There was no attachment. My mother, who worked for an elderly lady at the time, spent Thanksgiving working on other people’s dinner. And I would spend it listening to radio and drinking cough and cold medicine for a cheap buzz.

Frustrated with the fact that I felt even more distant from the people I should have some biochemical bond with, I announced one day, a few years ago, that we were a goddamn family and should start acting like one. We had our first Thanksgiving with a motley crew of individuals including my immediate family, Joey, Jyg, Izzy and (possibly) Ruben. This idea bled into having X-mas together as a family, with yet another meal.

Now there are three brothers and each needed to do something. It was agreed upon that Martin, the oldest, would have Thanksgiving, I, the youngest, would have X-mas and Jay, the middle child, would have New Year‘s. That way we all had to deal with each other three times a year and enjoy it. Then the rat incident happen and our oven died. So Jay consumed X-mas as well, though I would provide the main course.

This year, Martin’s wife announced she wouldn’t be doing Thanksgiving this year. The reason was a long term struggle that I had known about and kept to myself, for the most part. The marriage was crumbling and she saw no reason for it anymore. Fine, I can take the helm of Thanksgiving and Jay can have the other two holidays, main course included.

So where we are again. At the beginning of it all. Thanksgiving crumbled and I fear X-mas will follow suit (New Year’s is safe as my family tends to be filled with raging alcoholics – with the exception of me and my mother). What was my foundation of normalcy is now the tombstone upon its grave.

I might not be a family guy, but I know the value that should be placed in one. Sadly, I might be the only one who sees this now. In this family, anyway.

Music

This Post Is Lost In Confusion

I’m just gonna ahead and blurt this out – I miss Amy Winehouse. I miss her crack-addled, drunk swaggering celebrity. I dedicate this blog to her memory. As I type this, I’m listening to her album Back to Black.

I called Texas Car Title and Payday Loan earlier. Still no news. L told me that the regional manager was coming in tomorrow and they’d discuss the interviews then. She also stated that she’d call me tomorrow with the news, if any. I hate calling to see if I got a job because I feel like I’m coming off as desperate, but I know it’s expected. It shows that you’re really interested in the job. That’s why I played it safe and called today and not yesterday.

Thanksgiving is looming closer and now that we have a new stove, we’re doing it here this year. That’s not the only reason, but I’m not going to get into familial issues at this moment. That’s for a later post, if I ever can stomach the subject. Mother wanted to make a turkey roast, which, I’ve learned, is just a nice way of saying a boned turkey breast. While at HEB, I saw a duck and thought that’s what we’re having for Thanksgiving dinner (or lunch, as we always make it for lunch). Now it’s just a matter of finding a good duck recipe.

Thanksgiving this year will be made up of the usual suspects: Mom, Jyg, Izzy, (possibly) the kid and me. My brother and sister-in-law aren’t attending, as will my niece Selena. My other brother, Jay, and his family (except the kid, of course) will also be absent, but that’s something I’ve grown used to.

I’m not going to discuss why Thanksgiving is important to me at the moment. I’ll save that for another post. Oh well, I’m almost finished with Death Troopers, so I’m gonna go ahead and finish that up.