Chapin City Blues

What Happened:

Looking at him, I would say he was about 18 or 19 but, these days, anyone under the age of 30 looks like a child to me. He seemed nervous, yeah. A small lilt in his voice betrays the confidence he hoped to portray. Smug smile. Beady eyes. The dude obviously listens to Shapiro or Crowder while wanking – exclaims, “Fuck me Joe Rogan!” when he orgasms. All these thoughts ran through my head with all the things I wish I could say to him. But cooler heads always prevail if your job is on the line. This kid wanted a reaction. And instead of giving him the one he expected, I spoke to him with a bit of frustration but mostly in the same tone I would have given my son. Fatherly disappointment. 

We are often told to love our enemy. But what if our enemy would rather see us dead?

Maladaptive Daydream:

“You look different,” I say, taking a seat across from them. “Didn’t this place collapse when we parted ways last time?”

A smirk spreads across their face as they set down their coffee cup onto the table. “You’re mistaking me for a higher power. I’m afraid they’re gone and now it’s only me.”

They have short dark hair, a shimmer of red peeks from beneath in the same way blue glimmers off grackle or blackbird feathers. Something just beneath the surface. Their piercing eyes – blue? gray? – look into mine.

“You’re older than I remember,” I say. 

“I could say the same about you.” They produce a black tote bag from under the table and pull a journal out, pen slipped onto the cover, which they take out before opening to the page they left off on. “I’ve been going over your history since we last departed. You have a kid now and you identify as queer openly because bisexual didn’t suit you and pomosexual just confused people? How are those things going for you?”

“As well as you would assume,” I reply. “I’m sorry, but your name?”

“You knew me by another name, but you resurrected me as someone else,” they say. “I think you can call me Evelin.”

“Why did you come back?”

“You tell me.”

What Should Have Happened:

I play the incident over again in my head. The way he stood there, proud of his hate. “Bigot and proud of it,” he had written on the sticky note. He called it free speech, but free speech doesn’t hide behind closed doors. He’s scared, though only I could guess.

I imagined my skull ring – given to me by a man who possibly loved me more than he should have – digging into his skin, I imagined chasing him into the stairwell and pushing him over. I imagine hurting him the way it hurt me to see what he wrote, to know that deep inside he would rather see us dead than see us at all. 

Still, another part of me wished I could muster the strength to tell him to sit down. Because we are a college of ideas, even if we don’t agree with them. Hiding behind hurtful language and disrespect isn’t the route he should have taken. Free speech is discourse, not hiding behind a computer screen spouting out lie after lie. It’s not calling for the eradication of trangender people in the echo chamber of hate you have erected for yourself. 

It’s not about name calling and spreading misinformation. 

It’s not about claiming bigot and making it your own like it was a slur. 

Evelin:

They came to me in a dream. A fiction I made up to hide behind and seek comfort. They have been known by a few names. Neve. Jane. Blaspheme. An alias. 

And do you often refer to yourself as a woman?

I don’t often refer to myself as anyone, actually.

But you’ve used a female moniker in the past.

I have gone by many names in the past. A couple were female, yes.

“So you’re finally putting it together?”

Photo credits:

• Falcon, I. (2022). A woman with rainbow face painting under her eye [Photograph]. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-with-rainbow-face-painting-under-her-eye-12277456/
• Pixabay (2017). America ancient architecture art [Photograph]. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/america-ancient-architecture-art-356844/
• Zimmerman, P. (2020). Person holding red and black textile [Photograph]. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-red-and-black-textile-4108468/