“I watched you change”

So Jyg’s got me listening to Ayria’s cover of the Deftones song, “Change (In the House of Flies)” and it’s not half bad – see for yourself Change (Deftones Cover) – Ayria.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep from last night. Or maybe it’s because I’m growing older and my methods aren’t as effective anymore. Either way, I’ve been in such a bum mood. Earlier today, I thought about what I’d do if my life were suddenly being taken away from me. What would I do with my final breaths? I boiled it down to three things, two of which are apologies to two people I know for a fact I’ve hurt or let down.

I’m searching in myself, hoping to find that old self to pull out. But whatever metamorphosis that has taken place has cancelled out that hope of ever recovering. I think I’m just too messed up, or something.

I’ve been reading old blog posts, reading old journals, and slowly feel that the person that wrote those passages either never existed or has long since died. Sometimes, I can visualize myself sitting on a pew speaking to a priest from my childhood. It’s always the same situation.

I’m telling the priest how much the church meant to me in my childhood and now it’s just as empty as I am.

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