That’s the whole point of religion, right? To explain the inevitable nothing that we came from, that we will become again when our time on this earth expires. I don’t know why I’m thinking about it so much. Death is not at hand; I’m not knocking on its door. Yet the inevitable nothing is all I’m thinking about because I cannot fathom it. If religion has its purpose, it’s to blind us from this fear and, for that reason, I pray that I can reverse my stance on it.

I can’t, however, anymore than a homosexual can become straight. Once a doubter, always a doubter. The reborn can say differently, but no logical human can go from one side of the prism to the other without looking back. And it seems my whole life was spent looking back to the days when religion made me feel something more than a hollow empty excuse for not allowing reason to feed your mind. Those days weren’t better; I wasn’t happier, but I was a hell of a lot more content about the inevitable nothing than I am today.

I guess that’s why I never crossed over to becoming a full-time atheist, why I play in the gray of the believer/doubter spectrum.

Binx and I spoke a little about it while I helped him move into his new place. He also said that was the purpose of religion – its true origin, to explain the nothing. I simply said that I cannot fathom nothing. I cannot understand that all this came from nothing. He told me I’m focusing too much on it. I talked to him about the thermodynamic miracle, how of all the sperm swimming for the same goal, we were the outcome. That, of course, is a topic for another day.

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