There are moments when I question my lack of faith. Logic and reason keep me at bay from ever fully letting go. I’m allowed to dream, but I’m not allowed to live in fantasy. Truth is, I don’t believe in a higher power outside of logic and reason and science. Without empirical data, I find things tough to chew. Would my life be better if I were religious or held a belief in a higher being? Probably not. But I would be so sedated by my god, I wouldn’t even think twice about things.
Maybe working in the library hasn’t introduced me to a plethora of people like working at the stadium has. I think it’s better that way. I love the people I’m working with. I know every says that about their job publicly, but these people are fun and fantastic.
The artist in particular. There are points where he comes off a little new age-y. Nothing annoying. One of the things I confessed to him was the death of my writing. It was just in passing. Outside of blogs and little memos, I haven’t written anything for a while. I just stopped. “You shouldn’t just stop,” he suggested the other day.
I told him about the blog. Nothing worthwhile, but I’ll never fully stop writing. It’s in my blood, my system. But lately, even these little posts have lost their depth. I’m just writing thoughts. Granted, I’ve always written thoughts. It’s different now. I’m not even putting much into them. Has it become a chore?
Thinking it all through, working on my Letters to Shaun project, I decided to stop and write a story. Well, the beginning of a story. A revision. An idea that I’ve written for a while but never completed anything outside of a rough draft.
It’s like I’ve become an atheist of myself. It’s easy to stop believing in yourself. And if I can’t believe in myself, how can the creations have faith in me? Damn the answers. Most of all, damn the questions.
Post title taken from “Empire State” by Guster.
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