The Sum of My Parts

As a boy, I used lie in the dark with my eyes shut tightly. And I opened them to watch the color sparks dance before me. I did this until I lost consciousness and drifted into that place in between.

I think a lot about the past because I’m too afraid of what the future might hold for me. Or maybe I treat life and its various relationships like an extravagant science experiment, and I only look at the past in order to collect the essential facts to draw my conclusions.  One moment I’m a boy squeezing his eyes shut for the slight burst of color entertainment that transpired upon opening them and the next I’m a thirty year old writing his thoughts on some blog for the world to see and ignore equally.

In high school, I met a girl named Jackie who introduced me to a girl name Tiffany who introduced me to a girl name Jessica who started a relationship with me that lasted a span of less than two years. I broke up with Jessica and started a relationship with Jeanna shortly after. And before Jeanna, I never let a girl break my heart. Not in the way that she did and I never gave anyone that much power over me. And I promised myself that I never would again because it’s not something I’m looking to relive.

I shouldn’t have girl problems at the age of thirty, especially when the girl in question shouldn’t even be a problem. And it’s unfair to her, the way I’ve acted because I lack the ability to understand just what’s going on. Though, I feel she should’ve known that I’m damaged goods as I spoke of nothing but my failed relationship with Jeanna. Still, shouldn’t I feel the slightest amount of guilt for leading her on, if that’s what I did. And let’s not forget the conversation I shared with her the night after the event. The conversation I had with someone and how it left me all aflutter. There were red flags everywhere, or so I thought.

If I squeeze my eyes now, what would I see? It’s been so long since I believed in any type of magic without having to explain why it isn’t magic. Oh childhood me, what have you grown into?


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