Things My Dad Doesn’t Want You to Know, But I’m Going to Tell You Anyhow: A Memoir by Shaun Damien

So you pretty much know a lot about Dad already, but there are some things you don’t know about him. Not yet, anyway. See, as an almost-two-year-old, I’ve seen a lot of things that he hides from the public eye. For instance, do you know he wrote that entire last post while listening to a Taylor Swift song? He wouldn’t want you to know that, but he did. Kept it on a continuous loop, cursing because he couldn’t find the version he liked on Google Play All Access.

He also has a couple of questionable books on his shelf. For instance, there’s this author named Nicholas Sparks. He has a bah-jillion different books by him. He told me he used to read them when he was younger because he wanted to write novels that people would cry to, and he told me that Nicholas Sparks always makes people cry. Which, I guess, means that Nicholas Sparks is a meanie who makes fun of his reader by insulting their intelligence or something. Why Dad would want to be mean to his readers is something I don’t understand. He’s a nice guy. Except when he doesn’t let me play with things I’m not allowed to play with. Like his laptop…which I’m using. Hehe. Don’t tell him because I’m not.

He’s also becoming self-conscious about his weight. I don’t see anything wrong with him because he’s so warm and squish and I can fall asleep on top him and it’s like sleeping on a pillow. He always tells me that there’s nothing wrong with the way people live their lives unless it makes them unhappy. And if something makes us unhappy, then we should do our best to change it until we’re satisfied. The other day, he went to the DMV (he didn’t pick me up for this historical ride, which put me in a mood, but whatever. I forgive him) to renew his ID and when the picture was taken and printed, he said he could feel his stomach drop (he apparently picked it up because it’s still on him). “I’m rockin’ the double chin, Shaun,” he told me and I thought that rockin’ meant something good so I started dancing and he started dancing, too, but got tired very quickly.

“When the warmer weather sticks,” he said, “we’re going to the park more often. I’ll even get you a jogging stroller and we can talk long walks and you don’t have to do a thing. Just keep me company while I do my damnest to lose some weight.”

“We’re also changing what we eat,” he said. “We’re gonna eat healthier and drop drinking so many sugar drinks.”

I couldn’t get behind him on this one, but he’s my dad and I have to listen to him.

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot and if Dad says that if we’re unhappy with ourselves, we should change ourselves. Well, I’m unhappy that I can only have my candy once a week. I want it once a day. I’m gonna have to get a step-ladder to change this. Oh well. I gotta go because I hear Dad waking up from his nap and if I’m not next to him in the bed, things may get a little suspicious. Toodles.