Stream of Consciousness

“I Think You’re My Best Friend”

It’s the comfort of uncertainty. Of the not knowing where this is going. Some people live in the moment. And for too long, I found myself dwelling in the what-if and the what-might-have-been. And neither brought me peace of mind. Except, now I live in these fractured moments. The in-between. A gray area. The moment before the kiss. The muted conversation of smirks and all-knowing eye glaces. 

So long as I keep you at arms length in order to prevent myself from ruin what we have. And maybe I’m selfish, but I’d rather have you in my life in such a simple way. Because the gift granted me at birth was self-sabotage. 

And who said that happy endings were the only endings worth having? Sometimes I think the open ones bring the biggest comfort. And maybe I already had mine, so why go off seeking another? I knew love before you, and I’ll know it again after. But what if this road I’m walking down is just a dead end to the same result?

And maybe it’s the fear of being hurt again. But I’d be doing the hurting no matter how this plays out because that’s just who I am. 

So maybe I don’t understand the point of any of this. And I don’t know know how this will all pan out in the end, or if it even matters at this point. But in the quiet, empty moments of your company are the happiest ones.

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