He spends too much time watching TV. Staring at the screen of his cell phone. Sometimes, he does both at the same time. Wasting hours that he’ll never get back watching media he won’t remember the next day.
Remember that one TikTok video you watched while taking a shit? You sat there for at least five videos before you wiped and got back to whatever you were doing before nature called. Five videos worth of time after your final push. You sat on that toilet for five more videos breathing in shit particles exhumed from your shitty ass. And you saw that one video—not a thirst trap, but you do tend to like those as soon as they start—and it made you laugh?
Of course, you don’t. Nobody remembers what they watched.
Normally, I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on my singleness. It doesn’t bother me on most days. Not much, anyway. There are moments that, sure, it would be nice to have someone whose shoulder I can rest my head on. There are plenty of times when it might be nice to cuddle up next someone while binge watching whatever new drug-addled TV show I’m watching.
So I’m trying to distract myself from that emptiness. Because my old coping mechanism has failed me – these blog posts and work stuff are the only writing I get done – I’m looking into new ventures.
Window shopping for a new computer for work purposes has become to window shopping for a camera. Specifically this camera: the Sony Alpha a6000 mirrorless digital camera. There’s no rhyme or reason why specifically that camera, but it’s the only one holding my attention.
What will I do with said camera? Well, I have an idea:
The camera isn’t the only venture that’s floating across my mind. A couple of years ago, I also purchased a Blue Yeti microphone.* The idea was starting an audio project; however, the only thing I’ve used the mic for has been work related.
After much conversation, a coworker and I thought of making a podcast together. We worked together with a work project – one I didn’t write, but recorded and mixed – and we seemed to impress people by what we came up with.
I also created an account with ACX with the idea of recording indie audiobooks. However, there’s that fear that arises whenever I think about doing something outside of my comfort zone. What if my voice isn’t that great? I tend to stumble over words often. My voice gets lazy and drags through a sentence. When’s the last time I even tried to enunciate?
And here I am at the beginning again: “Am I depressed because I feel like I’m a failure, or am I failure because I’m depressed?”
*In case you’re wondering, the mic does a wonderful job. While it’s limited – I don’t know how, but a lot influencers have poo-poo’d it – I’ve recorded many a puppet show with this mic without issue. So stop listening to bleach blonde, frosted tipped morons and buy it.