The Age Old Question

“Am I depressed because I’m single, or am I single because I’m depressed?” It’s a question I asked way too often.

I started listening to Mark Manson’s Love Is Not Enough. It was free on Audible – meaning it came with my subscription, no credit required to “purchase” – so why not?

It’s been two years since reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and I wanted to know what Mr. Manson had to say about romance. I recognize a lot of the traits presented in the interviews. From maladaptive daydreaming to grand gestures of affection, I embodied so many terrible habits when it comes to romance.

Photo by bongkarn thanyakij from Pexels

Normally, I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on my singleness. It doesn’t bother me on most days. Not much, anyway. There are moments that, sure, it would be nice to have someone whose shoulder I can rest my head on. There are plenty of times when it might be nice to cuddle up next someone while binge watching whatever new drug-addled TV show I’m watching.

So I’m trying to distract myself from that emptiness. Because my old coping mechanism has failed me – these blog posts and work stuff are the only writing I get done – I’m looking into new ventures.

Window shopping for a new computer for work purposes has become to window shopping for a camera. Specifically this camera: the Sony Alpha a6000 mirrorless digital camera. There’s no rhyme or reason why specifically that camera, but it’s the only one holding my attention.

What will I do with said camera? Well, I have an idea:

The camera isn’t the only venture that’s floating across my mind. A couple of years ago, I also purchased a Blue Yeti microphone.* The idea was starting an audio project; however, the only thing I’ve used the mic for has been work related.

After much conversation, a coworker and I thought of making a podcast together. We worked together with a work project – one I didn’t write, but recorded and mixed – and we seemed to impress people by what we came up with.

I also created an account with ACX with the idea of recording indie audiobooks. However, there’s that fear that arises whenever I think about doing something outside of my comfort zone. What if my voice isn’t that great? I tend to stumble over words often. My voice gets lazy and drags through a sentence. When’s the last time I even tried to enunciate?

And here I am at the beginning again: “Am I depressed because I feel like I’m a failure, or am I failure because I’m depressed?”

*In case you’re wondering, the mic does a wonderful job. While it’s limited – I don’t know how, but a lot influencers have poo-poo’d it – I’ve recorded many a puppet show with this mic without issue. So stop listening to bleach blonde, frosted tipped morons and buy it.

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