I’m no longer certain they’re panic attacks. By the descriptions I’ve read, they’re aren’t heart attacks, either. There’s a laundry list of things they could be, but which of them is what I have, I cannot be certain. The thing is, do I go to the doctors and spend money I don’t have and find out they’re nothing to worry about, or spend my time in oblivion while my body attacks me.

There’s a heaviness in my chest that comes and passes, lingers and then leaves. The muscles in my left arm tense up. My stomach boils. I’m amazed that I survived today’s book hunt.

I suppose we’ll find out what it is come Monday. I hate waiting so long, but without insurance, there’s no way I’m going to the hospital only to be told I have an anxiety problem. They’ll prescribe me pills that I won’t take. However, if I get an attack tomorrow and it’s horribly bad, then I’m pretty much screwed into dishing out even more money I don’t have.

Times like this, I wish I were rich.

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