Posts from the “Doldrums” Category

“The bandwidth is throttled”

Posted on May 17, 2019

I should be doing something. I have the whole day off and all I’ve managed is to go back to sleep after dropping Shaun off at school. I’ve also watched several minutes of Tik Tok videos. I blasted through two hours of watching YouTube. On my bed, lies my journal, my Dungeon Master’s Guide, and a magazine with an article I’ve been meaning to read for three weeks now. Yet, I can’t muster up the motivation to write, work on a D&D campaign, read, or anything. Hell, the moment I turned on my computer, I opened Word then quickly double-clicked the Left 4 Dead 2 icon and wasted half an hour shooting modded hellish zombies. Last night, the library held a book reading by…

Categories: Personal

Tagged: Amado Balderas, Dungeons & Dragons, Dungeons and Dragons, Edward Vidaurre, El Senor, Left 4 Dead 2, Music Video, Panic, The Doubleclicks, TikTok, YouTube

An Analog Hopeless Romantic

Posted on April 28, 2019

My mother told me I had a tell. Something she used to ascertain whether I liked person who was on the other end of the phone call. Mind you, I was a teenager when she told me this. “You cover your face with a pillow,” she told me. “Mom,” I said, rolling my eyes, “I cover my face with a pillow all the time.” At least I thought I did. Then I noticed, I didn’t always cover my face. Speaking on the phone with my friends differed vastly from speaking to whoever I happened to be crushing on at the moment (I went through a lot of crushes, mind you. I was a bit of a crush-slut). With someone like Binx of Doll, I…

Categories: Personal

Tagged: Crushes, Just Right, Phone Calls, Relationships, smartphone, Tessa Violet

“I don’t know what compels me to do the very thing that fells me” *

Posted on April 26, 2019

Never been the spoken wordsmith. These things take time, I suppose. There was a plan, and the plan didn’t pan out. Not like I could say anything before the trip, and after it just felt too cliche. It’s a practice, getting the right words down. As a child, I practiced every syllable in the mirror. As a teen, the smart remarks came to me late. Day later, actually. Plagued with zingers and one-liners after the fact. Each word carefully selected for the presentation, but the day came and I stood frozen before the class. Words blurted out in the moment always felt wrong. Out of place. Misused. Uncertainty rules my decisions, which is that I’m usually not making them. How many times have I…

Categories: Doldrums

Tagged: Bad Ideas, Music Video, Tessa Violet

“Think I could love you, but I’m not sure”

Posted on April 17, 2019

We reach an age, I’m sure, where we look back on our life and ponder the things we could have done differently. There’s probably an appropriate age to do this, but I’ve been doing this my whole life. It’s the curse of this anxiety ridden body. Wondering if missed opportunities may have paid out better in the long run than the comfortable path I chose. Course, there are things I wouldn’t change, because they led to something amazing in my life. (I’m talking about Shaun, of course.) Of course, there are the paths that could have been taken and I opted not to. Not to the comfortable path, but because there was no positive payoff at the end of them. Of course, I came…

Categories: Doldrums

Tagged: Broken, Ecce Homo, Friedrich Nietzsche, Iggy Pop, lovelytheband, Nietzsche

“for a heart that’s whole”

Posted on April 10, 2019

Fake ID, all access party. The bouncer at the door didn’t give her a second glance. Though, everyone could tell he wanted to. She admired men who stuck to their guns. Placed their responsibilities above their animalistic desires. She dressed to the nines, nightclub royalty. Short skirt, blood red stilettos. Men old enough to be her father bought her drinks, ran their mouths dry with flirtatious tongues. She imagined going home with one of them. Wondered if their were the fathers of her classmates. Imagine fucking them in the living room and having someone like Stacey Hansen walk in. Imagined the rumors floating through the school. She’d add them to the list of teachers she fucked to keep her grades up. No matter the…

Categories: Stream of Consciousness

Tagged: God Save the Prom Queen, Molly Kate Kestner

“You are my heaven tonight”

Posted on April 9, 2019

She meets me halfway as she hurries off to her break. I’m coming downstairs from a meeting during which I could hardly keep my eyes open. She’s pulling something from her Bag of Holding and hands it to me, “Happy belated birthday present. It’s to feed your addiction.” A Barnes & Noble gift card. I hadn’t expected a gift from her, especially one so late. But then, I’m hardly expecting any gifts for my birthday, belated or not. Her birthday, coincidentally enough, is the day after mine. Last year, I purchased her a porg stuffie and Shaun made her a card he later opted to give to her. It was just as well, I didn’t know where we were headed, and still lack that…

Categories: Personal

Tagged: Heaven Tonight, HIM, Queen's Shadow, Relationships, Shaun, Star Wars, The Gruffalo, Virginia

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