Things I Learned from Watching Zombie Strippers

The first thing I learned was it was a mistake to watch this particular film. But hey, I’m a zombie aficionado so why not?  All things zombie, it’s what I live undead for.

The movie features former adult star, Jenna Jameson and Nightmare on Elm Street star, Robert Englund. Set in a twisted George W. Bush/Arnold Schwarzenegger world where public nudity is outlawed, the military concocts a virus that reanimates the dead. While it affects both sexes, it doesn’t affect them in the same way. Female zombies are still somewhat cognitive of their situations. Male zombies are just eating, brainless machines – which makes me question the possibility of a penis on one of the strippers. When an infected Marine stumbles into an illegal strip club, things go awry and all hell breaks out. The zombie then bites Jenna Jameson and she becomes a wild zombie stripper that wins the hearts of all the men. Other strippers want to jump on the cash cow so they become zombie strippers. And then there’s a scene where Jenna Jameson shoots out pool balls from her nether regions. And the whole time I’m reminded of the first thing I learned.

So, let’s get on with the list, sans explanation:

1. Shouldn’t have watched the movie
2. Don’t watch movies with porn stars, unless said porn star is Sasha Grey – but even that’s a stretch.
3. Zombies make better strippers.
4. Mexicans who work in strip clubs are married to women named Maria and have daughters with the same name, not to mention keep donkeys in the supply closet.
5. Men are attracted to zombies, hence all men are horny necrophiliacs.
6. The U.S. government, especially under a Bush/Schwarzenegger administration is corrupt and evil, only wanting to create zombies for their own profit.
7. Marines don’t kill the bad guy, but are hired goons – actually, I’m still uncertain if these guys were Marines.
8. I probably shouldn’t have watched this movie.

Oh well, I’m going to watch the 1998 “classic,” Great Expectations starring Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow to cleanse me of the terrible movie I just witnessed. Adios.

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