Code Dress

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it. ~Albert Einstein

“Every one needs to have at least one suit,” says the twat who spent the better part of an hour belittling us. Good for the guys, because most of that energy was insulting the women staff. She spent less time on the men because, let’s face it, women are especially twatty towards other women. That and because she couldn’t arrange for any male clothing to have the workers model. Yeah, it was a meeting/fashion show – if you can call anything that crawls out of the Dress Barn fashion.

And throughout the entire meeting, I kept thinking of two things. There are some teeth I’d like to get pulled and where the fuck do those spies get those cyanide pills?

Suit Up

People are always judging you. Constantly. Every day. Every hour, minute, second, millisecond. In order to deter this, you must dress for success every single goddamn hour. Even when you’re at home. Those pesky wife and kids are people, too, you know. Going to be? Better make it a Barney Stinson special – suit pajamas!

“It’s humanistic,” says the twat.

At this moment, I want to raise my hand and comment that it’s not “humanistic,” it’s human habit. It’s society. In fact, we wouldn’t be judging people if it weren’t for shows like the one featuring that lump of plastic and Ozzy’s demon, transvestite demon spawn.

Her advice is to dress for success. At least she didn’t go with the whole don’t-dress-for-the-job-you-have-dress-for-the-job-you-want shtick, because I’d be in my Batman costume pronto!

Sarah Palin 2.0

Now Twat keeps throwing out facts that aren’t supported by any evidence. Facts, apparently, are what she holds true. With that in mind, she also believes that dressing is a question of morals. If you don’t have any, you’re going to dress like a skank. You also lack self-respect – here that cleavage flasher of the world? You have no self-respect and you should feel terrible about yourselves.

As she talks, I begin to think she actually holds everything that vomits from her mouth as truth. And it’s scary seeing someone so out of touch with the times attempting to teach people who to behave.

The truth is, as the younger generation are heading towards job industry, the older generation is retiring. With them, they take the old values. It’s always out with the old and in with the new. That’s not to say that work places are allowing large gage-plugs, it’s just that some exceptions are being made due to people’s – not dress, but – talent and skills.

For example, my first job? I wore a t-shirt and jeans. My second job? T-shirt and jeans. Third job? Oh look, another t-shirt and pair of jeans. The job I got at the same place Ms. Twat works at? They didn’t fucking see me and they hired me! The only job interview I ever made the effort to dress up for was the current position I have. Why? Because I had a lot riding on it, but even then, it was just a western style shirt – that I just purchased that day – and a pair of black pants that had a rust stain at the bottom – seriously!


“Don’t think of it as cost, think of it as an investment. You’re investing in your future,” both the twat and the DressBarn twat repeat this like prayer. They’re talking about buying suits. I’m sure DressBarn Twat wants the ladies to buy their suits from her business – more on her business in a bit – but I’m not convinced. The way they’re making this sound is that you have to buy it just in case. Everyone needs a suit – Barney Stinson c’mon down! Just buy one and put in the closet because you’ll never know. Only I do know that I’ll never need a suit. Never. Ever. Never.

And on other thing, what kind of fool purchases a suit just to leave it in the closet for emergencies? Apparently, these ladies have never heard of a little thing called weight, which happens to go up or down – but mostly up. Meaning that when you need that magical investment toward your future, it’ll probably not fit you. Now what? Oh, drop another couple of fucking hundred dollar bills to reinvest for you future. Hey, even if you don’t get the job, at least you got a new suit, right?

Wrap Up

Whenever I’m in a waiting room waiting for an interviewer, or to speak to someone of high importance, I notice that there are a lot of people who are dressed to impress. Half of them might be decent people and dress the way they feel. The other half are assholes playing a role. It’s a roll of the dice, as they say. Some people are trying too hard for others to like them. And some are just trying to be flashy. In the end, they’re terrible at their jobs.

I tend to stray away from suits because I find them annoying – I’m talking about people in suits rather than the clothing. I’m drawn more toward the mediocre dressed people? Why? Because I can relate to them. And because talking to a suit is pretty similar to talking to a pile of polished shit.


Dear DressBarn Twat:

Your clothing sucks. The only people who should wear your clothing are older ladies who cannot find the right style anymore because it went out a decade ago. What the fuck were you thinking with the floral prints? No. They’re not coming back. No. Your clothing looked school marmish on the younger ladies. And no, nothing you say in your defense can change the truth.

Yours truly,
the guy seething.

2 thoughts on “Code Dress

  1. It’s more about proportion than being too casual or not. An untucked shirt should still flatter your figure- for example, if your shirt tail is too long, it hides more of your legs and makes you appear shorter. Also, classic cut shirts have a tendency to create a tent shape around the waist and add an easy 10 pounds to your look (especially from a profile). For this reason, I strongly suggest a modern/slim/fitted dress if you would like to wear it untucked. It will fit and look natural, instead of looking sloppy. My guide for your shirt tail is that the sides hit around the bottom of your belt and the front and back should still show off you ass and package. This is like cleavage to women, don’t hide your assets!

    1. I’m going to allow this because – even though it might just be spam – I think it’s hilarious. And no. I lack an ass. As for my package, ain’t nobody gotta see that.

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