“All this rejection’s got me so low…”

“So why did you want me to send you the picture [of the killer clown]?” asks the younger one. Fuck, why do people inquire so much? Now they’re all looking at me, awaiting my answer.

“I wanted to write about it,” I answer. I’ve piqued their interests. They know I write everyday musings. They know about this blog, but they don’t know this blog.

“I want to read,” says one. “Me, too,” says the other. Great. Now I have their attention and interest. What now? Because I would die if they ever found this semi-anonymous blog. In fact, the only work friend that knows about this blog is Rosie (Grace, you don’t count, sorry).

Now, I’m not some teenager who would “literally die” if his friends “find and read this blog.” We’re adults here, but it’s still something I dread. Why? Well, let me explain. I am a human. And as a human, I’m a social creature, despite my misanthropy. And as a social creature, I care how others see and think of me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t let them define me.

For the most part, my coworkers (as in people who work in the same department) know I’m godless. That is, they know I’m agnostic. And to an extent, they know I’m outspoken about my godlessness. However, I’m not the type of person who shoots my mouth when someone “blesses” me when I sneeze. I’m actually really polite with others’ beliefs. There are times when I eye-roll, but for the most part I just smile and nod. There are only two times when my politeness fails me: 1. When I’m in a terrible mood (not often the case), and 2. When they shove their dogmatic ideology down my throat like that fruit cake we re-gift each year.

Now, sometimes, I want a button stating how proud I am to be godless. Of course, there are other people who feel the same way I do. We want it not to offend Christians. We want it not because we care what other people think of us. We want as a reminder for other people. A reminder that bluntly states that not everyone shares your dogmatic views. Would we raise an eyebrow if a Catholic wears a Catholic and proud pin? Or a Muslim praising her Islamic faith? Are they caring what others think of them? Nope. So why is it when I want a godless and proud button, I’m suddenly insecure about others’ view of me? Bitch, please. If you don’t know the reasons behind it, then you shouldn’t opine on my thoughts.

Shit. Tangent there. Why don’t want my work buddies to read my blog? Well, have you read what I write here? There’s just some parts of me that I’m not ready to share with them. Why? I care what they think of me because I work with them.