“Between the heaves of storm”

"I breathed enough to learn the trick" –Emily Dickinson
“I breathed enough to learn the trick” –Emily Dickinson

Two voices have now made my head their home. The first is Donovan, a character I played with in the past. He’s gone from drug dealer to killer to something darker. Think Dexter without the code. The second acts as a romantic conscience. Oddly, she didn’t take the form of Grace, as she’s played my confident these last couple of months. Instead, she’s taken the form of a webcam girl I started to follow after an idea popped in my head. That idea, by the way, didn’t entail actually watching her webcam shows.

Exhibit A
Exhibit A

A few years ago, back when I wrote for a porn blog, I came across (no pun intended) a series poorly edited orgy videos shot by a gothic troupe calling themselves “the sex club.” I won’t link them, so just Google that shit. There was something about that video that stuck with me, not the sex. Nothing special. I just imagined this darker back story for this group of friends who ventured off into amateur porn and faded from the Internet limelight as quickly as they appeared.

That motivated me to follow various webcam models on Tumblr. Writers do research, right? Well, instead of just sitting down and watching their webcam shows where thousands of horny guys interact with them, begging them to defile their bodies with Sharpie markers and what not, I decided to understand their human side (as if anyone in the adult industry isn’t a human). What I mean is, I’m dissecting their personalities. Understanding why they chose this route and not going out and finding a “real” job. And this isn’t some asshole quest to find out why these ladies and gents lack self-respect (not flaunting your junk around the Internet isn’t proof of self-respect).

Then, two nights ago, an apparition appeared in my dream asking me what I want with my life. She took the form of that girl above. The character I was carving out of their stories and daily musings didn’t fit this mold. Charlotte’s a conquer. She seeks and destroys. She isn’t kind. She doesn’t want to know about your relationship status and what you plan to do to change that. I’m not even sure the real person behind the apparition is even like that. I know. This sounds crazy, but I stopped questioning my lack of sanity years ago when I thought writing was a great route to take.

This post doesn’t have a purpose other than stating that, at the moment, a psychopath and webcam model are occupying my mind. But it’s all right. I’m a writer. These sort of things happen.

Side note: I considered taking advice from Richard Bates and research the webcam thing properly. Investigative research. Infiltrating the webcam industry. Then I remembered that Richard Bates is a fictional writer. And I don’t have the body to even get away with that.

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