“Help me start to heal”

I refuse to remain in regrets
To pander like a slave to your wants
No contrition from me will you get
No submission to dilettantes (No)

I’ve existed too long in secrets
I have lived like a man confined
Epicene and elaborate
Fatalistic and resigned (No)

A momentary lapse of the ground I gained the last few weeks this weekend. On more than one level, that is. I sought comfort in two people. Ashton and I have our moments of closeness online and through text message. She’s the sister I truly never wanted (I kid).

Exhibit A: My Son's Laughter is My Favorite Track
Exhibit A: My Son’s Laughter is My Favorite Track

I regressed, and that’s all right. It’s not like I made a mistake. I’m allowed these momentary lapses of judgement. My words get ahead of me before I can think them through.

I spent my Saturday night with Shaun, who decided bedtime was at nine-thirty. I spent my time texting Ashton and Angela (geez, what’s with the A-names?). I spent two hours doing nothing but until Shaun decided I should join him in sleep by kicking me the face (he was asleep). I went to bed with him and he woke up about thirty minutes later. He’s still not sleeping through the night, but he’s almost there. I’m sure.

There are times when I’m still in awe that he’s mine. I don’t know if this novel feeling will ever evaporate. I’m in love with this kid’s smile, and his laugh. And his face. I’m in love with his being and the breath he exhales. Even after all I lost, his being here on this natural world is all I need to keep me going.

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